Answered Prayer

Well, it's another Saturday here at the store and the long afternoon has arrived.  It was a pretty slow morning with the snow that we had, however, that quickly turned to rain and brought out the Christmas shoppers.  Yes, we do have Christmas shoppers at a tractor dealership.  I've tried to encourage that since I've been here.  I love to work our booth at the local fairs because I get to meet so many people and just because it's fun.  Most of the others here hate it so I don't have to fight for it lol.  But I always heard a lot of folks saying that our dealership didn't have any kind of a selection on toys, clothes, etc.  I listened.  Before those comments fell on deaf ears.  This year we are well overstocked on "stuff" for the shoppers.   I had to do a lot of arm twisting to get it through but it has been well worth it to see happy adults who know they can do their kid's shopping close by and who have a happy relieved expression when they come to the parts counter to pay.  I love being able to have pride in my job.  Sure, it's not a high paying job and it's not one that brings all kinds of acolades from people but it is satisfying and it allows me to stay close to family and gives me the opportunity of taking over the family farm.  God has been answering prayers concerning that.  Maybe it seems shallow, but I really value the heritage that is there and have prayed many a prayer that I could care for it.  I can also see opportunities with it for ministry.  Just a matter of God's timing. 

Speaking of answered prayer, for a good while I had been really struggling with some spiritual issues.  Go down a few posts and you can see that.  Anyway, one of the biggies has been ministry involvement.  Sure, I teach a teen sunday school class but lately the attendance has been horrible.  By horrible i mean one kid coming about every other week.  At one time there were 4 regulars as well as 4-5 that I had coming to a weekly teen Bible study.  Now it's all dried up.  Two got married out of h.s. and moved, one went with mom and dad to a church closer to their home, and one got a job last summer at a fast food place and either works on service days or is busy.  It's been very discouraging.  I thought that God wanted me to be in youth ministry and wondered why on earth this was happening.  Well, those questions were answered to an extent with a new program that is in our county.  I've mentioned it before.  It's called Reformers Unanimous.  You can visit their website for particulars but to say the least, it has been an answer to prayer.  I was volunteered as an assistant counselor at the start because I was the youngest one there and "could put a different angle on things".  Needless to say it's been one blessing after another and an answer to the ministry prayer.  We have a time called small group where we get together with some of the guys who come and just let them talk.  They can talk about anything but more often than not it shifts to their struggles and victories over their addictions.  There's one fella who is just on fire for God and is an inspiration to those who are still struggling and also to us who are counseling.  I just thank God for him.  He was sentenced to our program as part of his probation but he won't let you say that.  he says, "no, I'm here because I want to be here."  He is just so greatful to have people who actually care about him.  God is so awesome and it's so cool to be able to share with these guys the only way that will bring them out of their addictions...Jesus.  So cool.

I did have a fall a couple weeks ago.  I gave the internet dating scene a whirl.  I used to pick on my sister for using that but now here I am in the same boat.  This issue is also part of my spiritual struggle.  I know I need to let God lead me to someone in his time but I get so impatient at times.  I'm constantly barraged by images of happy couples, stories of couples, advice on christian radio programs about marriage, etc., etc.  It gets to be much sometimes.  I've never had luck in relationships.  Mainly because I haven't really had any.  In school I stayed away because of my parents.  With problems with sisters and relationships I didn't want to be like that and so avoided them to make my parents proud and happy.  In college I stayed on the school path and nothing else.  I had a hard time so I didn't have time to goof off or pursue relationships.  So I lost four more years.  Since then it's been a case of not meeting people.  I don't get out much with the farm.  i work normal hours and then come home to work around the farm or in the shop.  My church is older and younger people (by a good many years) so that isn't even an option.  Well, that's where I got into the internet stuff.  Met a nice girl not to long ago and talked back and forth on messenger.  All the while though I kind of felt like I was talking to myself.  she never said anything about being bored with me or anything but just never said much.  Well, decided to try a date.  she cancelled the first one five minutes before I was ready to head out to meet her.  No biggie, we'll try again.  Two weeks later i called to get directions so I could pick her up.  The whole call she seemed distracted, wanted to e-mail the directions.  Two days went by with no directions and no conversations on messenger.  The day of the date I checked my mail and still nothing.  Decided to check out her myspace page for kicks and lo and behold here is a new pic of her and the person I'm guessing to be her new boyfriend along with a caption saying "just you and [me]" Okay.  I checked my e-mail again and here were the directions.  I politely cancelled the date.  She never made another attempt to contact me but the damage had been done.  That's the second time this year that a girl has "acted" interested in me and even scheduled a first date only to cancel and just disappear.  Do I have the plague or something?  Or am I just the kind of guy that people go to while they wait for their old boyfriend to get back together with them?  I don't know but it's been frustrating and has pulled me down spiritually.  I know that God has kept me from getting hurt on many occasions but why is it that I can't even get a first date?  I just want to meet a girl that isn't about money and loves life's simple things and above all else, has a passion for the Lord.  I guess I'm just not what modern women are looking for.   I hear all the time who girls want a guy who cares, who listens, who is respectful and honest and yet when I look around I see girls with abusive guys, arogant men, and guys who are so engulfed in their careers that they don't have time for their families.  A lot of times my selfish side gets overshadowed by my Christian side when I see this.  It makes me sad.  At the same time it frustrates me.  I want to take care of a woman the way God intended her to be taken care of  and yet no one seems to want to be cared for like that.  I just pray that God would take my mind off this subject and put it back on his purpose for me.  Pray for me in that.

Well, that's about all that's on my mind for now.  Still winterizing the farm equipment and hoping to get back to my friend's tractor restoration now that I'm over my bad cold.  Gave me a heck of a bass range at church but the bad things of it outweighed that good thing. ha ha.  Hope everyone has a great week and a blessed week!!  God bless.

stuff is startin to slow down

Well, here it is again, time to start thinkin about Christmas.  Thankfully the weather has turned off cold here lately so it's not as hard to get in the mood as it was last year.  Heck, I think it was in the 60's last year on Thanksgiving Day and I spent a better portion of the day plowing.  I'm pretty happy this year because I can actually say that all my fall work is done this year with no breakdowns.  Praise God for that.  Finished up the plowing in early November and got all the corn ground disked last Tuesday before the cold spell set in.  Had to use a vacation day to do it but it was well worth it.  Now I'm down to shop duty at night and clean up work on the farm on Saturdays.  It is very nice though to be on a slower pace and not chasing after a machine that just won't get fixed like last year.  Right now I'm rebuilding the coulters on my plow, prepping it for winter storage, and working on the farmall C restoration that I started in July of '06.  That one is for a friend at church.  It's coming along very nicely but on the slow side with all the personal stuff I've been working on lately.  Won't be too long before I start painting and that has me excited.  It's always nice to see things start coming together on a restoration.  Makes all the time spent worth while. 

Not sure where I'm going with the new relationship.  We had to cancel our first date last weekend due to an allergy attack that she was struggling with.  Haven't re-scheduled yet with the Thanksgiving holiday and all but I hope that we can soon.  I really like her and am looking forward to getting to know her.  It's reassuring know that there are still nice girls out there.  Keep prayin about it. 

Well, that's it for now.  God bless.

Oh what a savior

Well, just so no one thinks I dove off the deep end after that last post...I didn't.  In fact, I'm doing better now than I have in quite some time.  It was not a miraculous instant fix by any means.  I basically just collapsed into the arms of my savior for the next few days after my meltdown.  A lot of reading and praying got me into a state where I was more able to go to Him as i needed to.  He just slowly but surely moved in my heart bringing me peace, ministering to me just the way I needed it.  Assurance came and so did the old confidence I used to have in my Lord.  I can't adequately explain all that happened because it was nothing that i did that brought this about.  Suffice it to say that my savior is totally worthy of praise.  Good things are happening in my life, my perspectives are lining up where they should, great things are happening with the RU program that I'm involved with and God has placed a new friend in my life that I've had the pleasure of talking with a couple times and she's terrific.  So, now that I've put my eyes back on the Lord things are going good.  Well, it's time to head home and see how much plowing I can get done before supper.  God bless.

BE AFRAID....BE VERY AFRAID....don't say i didn't warn you.....

Have you ever seen a monarch butterfly heading to its winter home in Mexico?  Just floating along by itself or with a few others.  Have you ever wondered how in the world it knows how to make that journey or which direction to take?  Of course, with some research you find that they have a built in (God-given) instinct that tells them which way to go.  Now, imagine turning that instinct off like a light switch.  That’s how I feel right now.  Fluttering around with a quick-fading sense of direction.  For those looking for a nice burst of happiness or an inspirational paragraph, you might want to turn the channel because this is one of those days where I use this as my leaning post.

With my comforting cup of hot chocolate I sit here and type on what should be a joyful day with my spirit all hyped and ready to go reach my workplace and whoever I meet this week for Jesus but instead I am thoroughly in a low mood.  Let’s just go to the beginning and maybe I can sort out where this started (I doubt it).  The week started fine.  Last Sunday I had a great motorcycle ride with lots of great scenery and nice temps.  I got a nice headache from it but still had fun and then enjoyed the evening with family and then church.  Monday was a good day with less than usual customer traffic at work due to the other good thing of the day, a steady rain.  The rain was much needed and left anywhere from 3” up to 5” in spots.  Then Tuesday came.  It started nice with power out at the store and no customers (plus the rain kept falling).  Once the power came back on the nice week collapsed.  One of the parts guys didn’t show and stuff just went crazy.  It was busier than it had been in two weeks, the shop was bugging me all the time, and I had orders showing up out of nowhere.  I became very agitated and was ready to lose my cool.  The next day was better but the previous day just left a sting in me that never went away.  I felt like I was letting Jesus down because my attitude was definitely not one that would make anyone want to become a Christian.  And it stayed with me after that…this kind of unhappy demeanor and this biting guilt to go along with it.  It was like I wanted to just turn it around and be happy again but couldn’t and then I’d feel terrible about it and start to beat myself up.  That was just the beginning though.  Thursday hasn’t arrived yet.

Thursday was not bad at work because I was looking forward to getting home to do some plowing since the weather had turned sunny and temps were nice.  I decided to let supper wait and plow till dark.  So, I went down to the farm where I had left the tractor parked on a hill so I would be able to roll it to start it.  It rolled ever so slowly down the hill that had been my starting point so many times this summer.  It reached the bottom and was not running of course.  I got off and with a laugh said, “Huh.”  I thought to myself that I’d just have to get the R going and use it.  A terrible thing happened though on the way back home.  That unconcerned and not bothered attitude somehow disappeared.  In it’s place came one that has darkened my countenance to this minute.  I still don’t know why on earth my feelings just turned like they did.  I became extremely upset with the tractor and then all the other stuff that’s been bothering me just started to boil out.  I took my evening walk with Buster (my lab) and on the trip just started yelling at God and asking him what he wanted from me.  I wanted to know if I had just been such a screw up that I was being punished with all the things that are currently wrong in my life or if by some odd turn of events I was the object of a Satan attack like Job and if so then what on earth made me worthy of that.  I just cried out that I didn’t want all the evil things that most people want, that I just wanted to be used by God and why wouldn’t he just use me and if I am being used then why don’t I feel like it?  Why do I feel so lousy?  Why do I feel like a big flop, a failure, and a let down when it comes to witnessing and actually living a Christian life?  Why can’t I defeat the two biggest sins in my life that I cannot quit struggling with?   Why can’t I find a wife like everyone else in this world?  Heck, why can’t I even find a simple girlfriend?  Why is it that everything I try to do falls apart in the end?  Is my dream to farm my grandparents dream evil or something?  Is that why my parents don’t support anything I do on the farm and is that why no matter how much work and money I put into my machinery it still breaks down?  And if it is such and evil thing then why the heck didn’t you let me make it as a meteorologist?  If you don’t want me to farm than please….TAKE THE DESIRE OUT OF MY HEART!!!   Why am I still stuck in my parents house?  Why can’t I just move to the farmhouse and preserve it like I want to?  Then I start answering my own questions.  Of course!  That’s why I can’t find a date, I still live at home chasing this stupid dream of preserving my family’s heritage and farm when everyone else thinks it’s stupid and would probably rather sell it to a developer.  Why would a girl want a guy who makes 20,000 a year and doesn’t have a big title like doctor or businessman or even soldier?  Needless to say by the end of the walk I was really feeling bad.  Not only had I brought to light a bunch of issues that had been stirring in me, now I had just yelled at the one person who could help me with them and would listen if I just told him.  Yeah, I felt like crap and had one of those “ if I were really unstable and depressed I’d probably kill myself right now” kind of moments.  It was sad.  The saddest part is that I still haven’t really attained victory over that stuff yet. 

Friday was okay at work but we had Reformers Unanimous that night and I was totally not there in my mind or heart.  Sadly I am one of the assistant counselors.  Well, it was just a dry run so I thought I could just slide through and go home to pout or whatever I could do to nurse my pain.  That didn’t happen because God wasn’t going to let it happen.  Roger, the other counselor, decided that he would be the drug addict this time and put me on the hot seat.  He asked some pretty tough questions and I was totally unprepared for it.  I was actually wanting to just say, “ I can’t do this.” And get up to leave but somehow I managed to stay and do a little talking.  I was so out of it that I couldn’t even give a decent presentation of who Jesus is.  I was ashamed.  Mostly because I could see how my selfishness was now hurting others.  The bad part was that I knew I couldn’t just overlook my own issues and go on.  So here we sit.  I’ve prayed about it a lot but can’t seem to get it out to any of my friends or church family.  I don’t know where to start and always feel like they have too much trouble of their own to listen to my sob stories.  I have prayed like I said but still don’t feel relief.  I still feel this deep pain that I’ve hurt Jesus by my actions.  I want to get past my selfishness but don’t know how.  I want my questions answered.  Is my dream something that I shouldn’t pursue?  Should I just drop everything I want to do so I can serve Jesus?  If so, what do I do?  Why do I have the farming dream?  And the one that is bugging me the most, do you have someone in mind for me to marry ?  how long do I have to wait?  Why can’t I be patient about it?

As you can see, I am in a pretty screwed up state of being right now and could use any advice that friends can offer.  God bless you all.

Let the plowing begin

Well here it is again, the start of fall plowing.  I know most people have no clue what it is like to plow a field but since I'm a 92 year old stuck in a 25 (soon to be 26) year old's body it is an activity that has a very big attraction to me.  The guy who rents our corn, bean, and wheat ground probably hates the fact that I do it but it’s not his farm so that’s just tough.  I’ve already proven that tilling the ground in this part of the country has more benefits than his wonderful “no-till” way of life.  We had a cornfield that I plowed half of and the other half he ran no-till.  You could literally see two different fields within that one, the difference was so big.  Point proven.  I won’t go into that anymore because his involvement on the family farm is a bit of a sore spot for me. 

So I got started yesterday with the plowing and it was a chore as usual.  Of course my main plowing tractor is in the shop getting some serious engine work done (as soon as I get the main bearing back from the machine shop in town).  So that leaves the 720 and it’s starting engine issues have yet to be resolved so it has to be started one of two ways:  pull it with something or find a really steep hill.  Yeah.  I gave the hill a try but found out that it wasn’t nearly steep enough.  After wearing dad and myself out pushing this thing out of the garage and to the hill I got pretty frustrated when I got to the bottom of the small hill in the barnlot and had to go back up to the house and get the log chain.  The fact that it had to be pulled wasn’t as much as a pain as the whole notion that I had to have dad’s help just to get a simple thing done like starting a tractor.  That has been an issue lately: independence.  I really want to get started on the whole house issue but don’t feel like I should until I can actually handle the farm.  I can’t do that until I have all the equipment in working order.  That is a task in and of itself.  I’m still praying though and in reality it’s one of those things that I need to fully lay in God’s hands.  I can only do so much and for me to even feel like I have to accomplish this my own way and by myself is a pretty lame notion.  It’s only gonna happen if it’s A. in God’s will and B. with God’s help.

But anyway, I got a good bit plowed Saturday afternoon and evening and it felt great to be back in the saddle so to speak.  The plowing was pretty hard though due to the drought.  I had to really set the depth low and even then it was only going in about 3” deep or so.  We really need some moisture.  If time allows this week I may go ahead and start disking this year’s corn ground too.  I took a walk back there with my niece and nephew today and evaluated the possibility of baling the fodder.  That’s a negative this time.  That stuff was so dry that the combine just destroyed the leaves and stalks.  I won’t even have to bush hog the fodder this year before disking.  My hope is to get next year’s corn ground plowed and this year’s disked so that there are plenty of places for moisture to get back into the ground.  The more places there are to catch rain or snow the better.  Hopefully prevent a lot of runoff. 

I set in motion another cookout at church, this time I’m gonna try a hayride to the farm with it so be praying for that.  Well, that’s about it for now.  More I could talk about but it’s late on a Sunday and I am looking forward to some shuteye.  God bless.

--matthew